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Internment Camp
6th September 2024
OFF-Camera
I have been avoiding San Diego for a few weeks hoping that the tensions would die down. Stealing Max from school to jet away to Thailand wasn’t my best idea, and Holdan really gave me the business when we got back. As much as he tore into me though, part of me felt like it was an experience that I missed out on during childhood. He wasn’t ever around to be the parent to me that he was trying to be for Max. To be honest, I didn’t even know that he actually existed back then. I was a different person. He was a different person. It was something that I actively tried to force out of my mind for years. But I figured that I had taken my lumps in stride. I took responsibility for my actions. I didn’t deny that what I did was selfish, and possibly even illegal. I put everyone in jeopardy, because I was just thinking about being the fun older brother for a change.
But surely a few weeks was more than enough for everyone to cool off, right?
MAX: No! Absolutely not!
I hadn’t even made it halfway across the backyard before he spotted me and immediately threw down the bags that he was carrying. The acre of land that had previously been covered in half-finished art projects, and broken down machinery and scaffolding was almost completely cleared. To be honest, I had long thought that this was going to be a project that I was going to have to undertake after Holdan finally kicked the bucket, as it had only gotten worse in the last couple of years. Apparently the kid had been hard at work finishing clearing it out though, and I had a feeling that I already knew why.
KRIS: I haven’t even said anything yet!
He shook his head, and as I took a few more steps forward, he took a few more steps backwards.
MAX: Yeah, but it’s Friday. We both know why you are here, and I am not done paying off the last time you convinced me to flee the country with you.
I shrugged the accusation off with a smile, hoping to shift the conversation into a more favorable lane.
KRIS: ....but it was fun, right?
He shook his head, still unconvinced to even give me a chance to speak.
MAX: The last couple of weeks have really worked to counter-balance that though.
Holdan let me have it, but I had convinced myself that he would spare the kid. It obviously wasn’t his fault. He was desperate to have a relationship with Jason, but I was a suitable replacement at least temporarily. I was his connection to this family, and there was no way he was going to let me down two weeks ago. That wasn’t the case today though.
KRIS: He was that mad?
Of course, the question was rhetorical. I could see the level of work he had gotten done in the last couple of weeks. He had spent a significant amount of time slaving away back here, and I doubt that was entirely by choice.
MAX: Well, apparently he can’t punish you since you are an adult. Which means he had to take it out on me so that I don’t let you talk me into things anymore.
I shook my head.
KRIS: Jesus! It’s not like I am a stranger trying to lure you into a van with candy.
I was finally able to close the distance between us, and started picking up the things that he had dropped to carry them to the dumpster along the back fence. He followed behind me, which I took as a good sign.
MAX: No, you’re an acquaintance that lured me onto an airplane headed to Thailand. I feel like that’s worse.
I laughed, as if a spontaneous vacation was the worst thing that possibly could have happened to the kid.
KRIS: Obviously you’ve never been lured into a van with candy before then….
I tossed everything into the dumpster and turned to face him. I expected some kind of softening of his attitude, but was met with the same energy that Holdan had given me once we got back from our trip.
MAX: Not the point. I get it. You wanted to have fun. Apparently everyone but you has to pay for that fun though, and you’re only up here when you want to run away for the weekend. I have to stay all week. I have to deal with the fallout.
I wanted to apologize to him, but the words wouldn’t come out of my mouth. I knew that it was what he wanted to hear, but the truth was, I wasn’t actually sorry, just sorry that Holdan had such a bad reaction to it.
KRIS: I guess I just kind of figured that he couldn’t pin any of it on you. I figured he would be mad at me, but eventually get over it.
It was his turn to shrug in my direction, but it came with a pretty brutal rolling of his eyes.
MAX: Well, you were wrong.
He leaned down to pick up a mangled barrel, but barely managed to get it off of the ground before the weight inside shifted and the end of it dropped at my feet. Instinctively, I reached down to help.
KRIS: I can try talking to him if you want me to. Maybe I can convince it to take it easy on you.
Just as I had gotten the heavy end up off of the ground, he dropped his end to look at me with disbelief painted all over his face.
MAX: Really? You going to do that just like you were going to take me to Seattle to see why Jason doesn’t want anything to do with me.
I didn’t see why those two things had to be mutually exclusive.
KRIS: Why not both?
This time after he shook his head, his mouth opened and closed several times like he wasn’t sure if he was actually going to say the words that were bubbling up from the pit in his stomach.
MAX: ...because you keep promising things, and then not doing any of them. What’s the point?
He started to walk away but I took a few quick steps to catch up to him and step between him and his exit.
KRIS: Look, I am here now. I can’t fix the Seattle thing right this minute. Holdan is here though. I am here. That is something that I can definitely do something about. I can fix it. Just let me try.
He took a deep breath, and seemed to consider my offer for a moment before letting the breath out slowly.
MAX: Well, I won’t be out here holding my breath….
I am not sure if he gave me a second chance for a legitimate reason, or just to convince me to go away. I wasn’t exactly going to complain either way though. He motioned towards the house, and when I turned I could see Holdan standing at the back bay windows watching us talk. As soon as we made eye contact, he turned and disappeared back inside the house. When I turned back to Max, he was already walking back out to keep cleaning up.
KRIS: ....when did everyone become so goddamn moody…
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No Fly Zone
6th September 2024
OFF-Camera
I felt like I had been banging my head against a wall from the moment that I stepped into the house. I thought that the kid was just being difficult, but I wasn’t prepared for what I was walking into.
HOLDAN: No.
That had been the answer to every question since the door had closed behind me. He didn’t appear angry, and he wasn’t raising his voice, but there had been no elaboration. He wasn’t entertaining the conversation in the least, and was doing his best to keep his answers short so that I could twist him up to get my way.
KRIS: ....but the kid is a good luck charm, and this is literally my biggest match since being back! I need him out there with me!
His eyes widened, and I saw a smile start to form in the corner of his mouth. It was the singular spot of hope I had gotten since first opening my mouth.
HOLDAN: Oh, I didn’t know that it was like that….
I wasn’t prepared for that answer, or how sincere he sounded. I know that my face definitely lit up. I breathed a sigh of relief, and then met his still icy gaze.
KRIS: So he can go?
He responded instantly, this time in a roar.
HOLDAN: NO!
Within a second, the blast of pure rage was gone, and he half-smiled at me before taking a sip of his coffee.
KRIS: Why are you like this?
He sighed, placed his mug down on the island counter between us, and then ran his fingers through his hair. I could tell that even though he was still mad, he was trying to pick his words carefully.
HOLDAN: I was hoping that Max wasn’t going to be yet another person for you to use however you see fit. I was hoping that for once you could act like a logical, functional adult. I didn’t expect you to show up and drag him half a world away, and neither did his school. But if I have to train him not to let you drag him into your messes, I will.
There wasn’t a lot of wiggle room for me to argue any of that. I had a pretty bad history of the exact thing that he was talking about.
KRIS: Who says I am a mess?
He taps the screen on his phone before spinning it around and pushing it across the counter to me.
HOLDAN: You did.
I looked down to see my response to Fenris on social media from the day before. Maybe it wasn’t the best idea to talk publicly about how I was afraid of the opportunity that I was being given.
KRIS: Oh, that is so not fucking fair! You know what I meant by that.
He nodded.
HOLDAN: I do. You win the title. You start abusing the people around you. You spiral. You relapse. You go back to treatment. You figure enough shit out to get back on your feet, and then slowly talk yourself into starting the process all over again. I wasn’t there for you, but I am responsible for that kid out there. If I have to keep him away from you in order to protect him from that cycle, I will.
Even though I knew every single one of those words were true, they still burned me to my core.
KRIS: You’re not giving me a lot of credit for how much progress I have made. It’s been years without any problems.
He chose to slightly reframe the last few years instead of agreeing with me outright.
HOLDAN: You mean it has been years since you got shot, and had to pretend to not exist for the longest time until the people responsible were finally brought to justice.
It was my turn to blow up now, because victim blaming was never his style.
KRIS: Okay, but at least I wasn’t spiraling or relapsing at that point! I was doing well.
He shrugged.
HOLDAN: Well enough to be gunned down in your own gym.
KRIS: How is that my fault?
HOLDAN: Look, I get that you’re trying. I can respect that. But you literally create chaos everywhere you go. If it is not something that you are doing to yourself, it is trouble that your mouth got you into. You don’t know when to shut up. You don’t know where people’s natural boundaries are, and you literally kidnapped a child a few weeks ago to run away to Thailand.
Again, I couldn’t argue any of that. It was true, and denying it wasn’t going to get me anywhere. Maybe I could reframe it though, as he had done my past moments ago.
KRIS: Is it even possible to kidnap a sibling?
The rage returned to his eyes as he exploded for a second time.
HOLDAN: YES!
I held my hands up innocently, and immediately backed down from the argument.
KRIS: Okay, well I know that now. I am sorry. Lesson learned.
HOLDAN: I doubt it.
Backing down clearly wasn’t working, so I tried to turn it around on him in an attempt to guilt him into seeing things my way.
KRIS: I feel like you are trying to cost me this opportunity as punishment for not listening to you about the last show.
He looked hurt for a moment, but it wasn’t a facade that he could keep up for very long.
HOLDAN: I feel like you… are finally understanding the words that are coming out of my mouth.
I sat down, defeated.
KRIS: So it’s like that?
With a smile on his face, he came around the island counter, and patted me on the shoulder. It was a consolation prize that I didn’t want at the moment.
HOLDAN: You’re on your own, kid. We will be right here cheering you on though.
Without breaking stride, he stepped out of the house and into the backyard. I could hear him yell out for Max, and then the two of them chatting as if they hadn’t both individually teamed up to crush me.
KRIS: What. The. Fuck.
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>Big Pressure
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”This is not the kind of opportunity that I was looking for when I announced my return….”
”Crazy, right? Believe me, I know. I have the chance to walk out of Climax Control as the number one contender to the SCW World Heavyweight Championship. The kid that first showed up in Sin City labeled as an ‘ACCIDENT’ and a ‘NOBODY’ is complaining about getting the opportunity that he would have literally murdered someone for eight years ago. I am not sure that I understand it either, but it doesn’t change how I feel.”
”...and I am not sure where to put all of those feelings. It’s not like I am some chump that has never been in this position before. I have held the SCW World Heavyweight Championship before. At one point, I was going to be the very last champion that this company ever had! When the doors closed, it was a relief. I got to have my huge main event moment, and then it was over. The company shuttered. The belt itself went into storage. I thought it was over. It wasn’t. The company returned. I got to carry around the title. I got to have some painfully brutal matches to defend that title. I got to be the champion that I never thought I would be….”
”...and then it spiraled out of control…”
”My fear became reality, and my reign fizzled out. Physically, I got hurt. Mentally, I was fried. I was exhausted. I didn’t want to show up anymore. The pressure that I had thrived on, that propelled me to the top, finally crushed me. Even worse, it wasn’t just my career that fell apart. My relationships fell apart. My friends left me to my own devices. My wife moved thousands of miles away from me and took the kids with her. I got fired. I had nothing, so once again, I became nothing. I saw the spiral coming, and decided to take the straightest path directly to rock bottom instead. I had reached the highest of highs, and within mere days of my last botched title defense, the lowest of lows.”
”I didn’t think that there was any coming back from that, and I was almost right. It took months for me to scrape myself off of shitty hotel bathroom floors. It took even longer for me to convince Mark and Christian to give me my job back. When they finally caved and let me return, it took years for me to earn back the respect that I had when I first became the champion, and even then I didn’t feel like I deserved it. I won the Golden Opportunity to call my shot at any champion, any time, anywhere, early in 2020. The Imposter Syndrome was so well baked in at that point that I put it off. Every single supercard that year came and went. I competed on a dozen different Climax Controls, and never once even brought it up. I had until the end of the calendar year to cash in, and my hand was forced on the last show of the year. I had to challenge for a title that I wasn’t sure that I was worthy of carrying, so I went down to the ring and did what I do every time I step between the ropes. I fought my own fight. I tried to push the prize out of my mind. I went down to the ring to put on a show, and teach a cocky kid a lesson. When the Sin City World Heavyweight Championship was dropped into my arms at the end of the night, and my hand was raised as the show went off the air, it should have been a crowning achievement. I should have been relieved that I had battled my way all the way back to the top of this company.“
”...but I didn’t. I felt like I didn’t deserve it. I felt like I hadn’t earned it. The weight that the championship heaped back onto my shoulders was crippling, and all I wanted to do was put it down and run as far away as I could. Panic became my default state of being. I had everything that I could have asked for. I was at the top of MY company. I was running a successful gym. I was the face of, and synonymous with, Sin City. The crowd had been begging me to step up and take my rightful place, and once that championship was on my shoulder, it felt like they could finally breathe easily again. Once again, I had stepped up at the right time, and saved the company from being run into the ground by an unfathomably uptight douche. Everyone believed in me, and everyone was ready for the dominant championship run that they had always wanted to see me pull off.”
”....everyone but me…”
”The panic didn’t go away. The Imposter Syndrome never faded. I never felt comfortable in my own skin, and after a couple of months of that, I fell right into the same downward spiral. I blew up all of my personal relationships again. I sabotaged my own career. I went back to all of my worst impulses, and I did everything in my power to make sure that nobody wanted anything to do with me ever again. My second SCW World Heavyweight Championship reign lasted three months, but to me it felt like it went on for decades. I couldn’t give that thing away fast enough, and in the end, the championship ended up back around the waist of the man that I had beaten for it. For all of my progress, for all of the hope that the crowd had, everyone was back in the exact same position that they were in before I was ever involved in the equation. The rebound back to the status quo really reinforced the idea that I was never meant to be at the top of this company. The way that everything smoothly went along without me was proof enough that all of my darkest thoughts were right….”
”...and I have never once asked, or positioned myself to be the number one contender since….”
”On two occasions, the pressures of being the champion ate me alive. On two occasions, holding that championship nearly cost me everything, including my life. On two occasions, I failed to live up to being the person that the fans wanted me to be. That seemed to be more than enough to tell me not to reach for things out of my league anymore. I got offers to leave Sin City that came with any title shot that I wanted. I have been offered to be handed the championship of start-up companies that just wanted some name recognition. I have been invited to tournaments. I have been actively recruited by rival promotions, and I have turned down every single opportunity that life has put in front of me in the last four years. I didn’t want to let everyone down for a third time, because I might not have enough left in the tank to get it right on the fourth one. For that matter, if I fuck this up all over again, there legitimately might not ever be a fourth one….”
”...and that thought has been gnawing at me since the moment that this card was released. It is my first main event in a long time. It is my first singles championship opportunity in four years, and it is only my fourth match removed from active retirement. The panic hasn’t lessened in all of this time, it is more alive than ever. I am terrified of what will happen if I manage to win this match, and then take on Finn, and I don’t know where to put all of those feelings.”
”Mikah says that she and the kids will be there to cheer me on. Fenris has told me to pull my head out of my ass and do what I do best. The fans in every arena that I have stepped foot in this year have blown out their lungs screaming for me to get this opportunity, and I have seen the signs in the crowd begging for me to get this chance. I didn’t know that this was what the Proving Grounds series was about, and felt blindsided by it when Mark dropped the bombshell on everyone last Sunday.”
”...but it feels like the only way out is through.”
”It seems like the only thing that I can do is finish what I started. All that I can do is step into the ring with Eddie Lyons and do my thing. It doesn’t matter what will happen if I get the opportunity to challenge Finn. That story hasn’t been written yet. The championship isn’t on my shoulder yet, and might not be ever again. I wanted to come back to Sin City to compete against all of the up and coming stars that I never got the chance to fight years ago, and I have been doing that. I wanted to prove that I can be just as good as I have ever been, and so far, I have managed to do that. I wanted to show people that the spotlight hasn’t gone out on Kris Ryans, and goddamnit, it hasn’t!”
”....so, Eddie. I hear you are excited about this opportunity. You tagged me on social media talking about how hyped you were for this chance, and I won’t lie, I have been following along a little. I know you were in a bad spot after losing to Alexander Raven. I know that you have suffered some setbacks when it comes to J2H, among other asshats masked, or not. This is a way to get your groove back. You need that big win that Bill Barnhart, and Justin Smith weren’t giving you. You took a huge first step by getting the better of Aiden a few weeks ago, and now you have a Grand Slam Champion in your sights. This is the way for you to set things right in your career. If you win this one, you get your shot at the big leagues. You want this match with Finn. You want that title. You want to return to the states as the Sin City World Heavyweight Champion since you were unable to recapture your Roulette gold. I get it. I respect it, and honestly I almost want the exact same thing for you.”
”Almost.”
”...because Eddie, you are easy to like. You’re UNBREAKABLE. It doesn’t matter how many times you get knocked down, you get back up. It doesn’t matter how many times you fail, because those failures are the building blocks of your future success. You come back stronger every time you lose. You get more confident with every win. You are exactly the type of person that lured me out of my retirement. This match-up is the exact thing that I came back for, and I am not going to let my anxiety about what is after this cloud the fact that we are going to put on a main event to remember. I would say that we are going to steal the show, but Mark and Christian already knew that, and that is why we are going on last. There isn’t anyone on the roster that could possibly follow the clinic we are about to put on in that ring. There aren’t any two other superstars that are going to send all of the fans home more satisfied than we are going to on Sunday night. This match may go down in history as better than whatever happens at Violent Conduct. This could be the year that a random Climax Control in September gave the world the match of the year.”
”... but I feel like you mistakenly think you need this more than I do. I feel like, all respect aside, if you get the opportunity you are going to kick my fucking head off of my shoulders and coast into Violent Conduct with all of the confidence in the world. I feel like as the younger, faster, hungrier competitor in this match, you think you’re going to have some kind of advantage in that ring, and I am truly sorry that I have some bad news for you. I know it is the last thing that you want to hear, but you really brought it on yourself.”
”...because I am not going to feel bad for beating you and taking this opportunity away. You’ve already proven to the world that you are truly UNBREAKABLE. As I have already said, every time you lose something, you come back and fight for something bigger and better. Every failure makes you work a little bit harder, and then you come back nearly unstoppable the next time around. That is how I know that you are going to recover from this loss. You are going to earn yourself another opportunity, and next time, you’re going to take it the distance.”
”....but I am not unbreakable, Eddie. I am not sure that I still have it in me to take big losses and come back better than ever. I am not an up and comer. I am not a future star. I came back to Sin City because I felt like my spotlight was about to go out, and I need to make the most of it before that comes to pass. If I lose this match, there might not be another opportunity for me, so fear or not, I have to push through. If I ever want a chance at being the face of this company again, it is now or never.”
”...and as terrified as I am of holding that title again, ‘never’ just isn’t an outcome that I am willing to tolerate. NOW is my only option, and that means going through you, kid.”
”It’s not personal.”
